Sun, 17 Jul 2005

Ban Snicker’s Bars!

— SjG @ 12:41 pm

Snicker’s Bars are Dangerous, and could be used by Terrorists!

Yes, it’s a little known fact that your average Snickers Bar could be used as a Weapon of Mass Destruction by our Enemies. How, you ask? Well, there are a variety of ways. One, Enemies could use them as a part of a campaign to damage our healthcare infrastructure and national morale through pervasive obesity. But there are far more sinister possibilities. Consider the explosive potential of a single, snack-size Snicker’s bar:

A snack-size Snicker’s Bar is 280 food calories, which is 280,000 energy calories, or enough to heat 280,000 liters of water 1 °C at standard temperature and pressure.

Now, the standard Olympic pool is 25 by 50 meters, 2 meters deep at the shallow end, and 3 meters deep at the deep end. Assuming a linear slope, that’s 25 * 50 * 2.5 = 3,125 cubic meters = 3.125 mega-liters. One liter is 0.264 gallons, so that’s roughly 825,000 U.S. gallons. When calculating terrorism risks, it’s imperative that we use good, clean, American units for the final calculations; otherwise, people may think we’re French.

So, back to our Snicker’s bar: raising 280,000 liters of water by 1 °C is the same as raising our Olympic swimming pool 0.0896 °C = 0.16 °F. Now, you all have personal experience with heating water in kettles or microwaves. You know what kinds of energy we’re talking about here. Imagine releasing the kind of energy that could heat up an entire Olympic swimming pool (even just a little) in the middle of a crowded sports arena! Clearly, we’re talking grave danger to society.

But this is just the tip of the threat iceberg. We’ve only looked at chemical energy contained in one of these perilous candies. The true threat is much, much worse. So much worse, in fact, that we strongly feel that such bars must be immediately banned!

Consider: a snack-size Snicker’s bar is 2.07 oz. Where did the 0.07 ounces come from? Imprecise calibration? Seems like an awfully un-American weight to me. Regardless, 2.07 ounces is 58.68 grams, or 0.05868 kilograms, so the nuclear energy in the bar is 0.05868 kg * (2.998 * 108 m/sec)2 = 5.2738 * 1015 joules = 1.26 * 1015 calories. That’s enough to heat our Olympic pool 4.03 * 108 °C = 7.258 * 108 °F.

Check the math! Our national security may depend on it!

You see, if a single Snicker’s bar could be used to raise the temperature of our Olympic swimming pool by 725 million °F, it’s only a matter of time before the Terrorists use them against us.

The cost of doing nothing is far too high. We must act! Therefore, it’s imperative that all Patriotic Americans join our call to ban Snicker’s bars.

We must act; if not just for ourselves, for our children and future generations. We must petition Mars candy company. We must call our Senators. But for the sake of the children, we must do something before it’s too late!

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